


Timshel

by smoakoverwatch



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Grief, Introspection, Post 5x09, just something small, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 04:26:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9367856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoakoverwatch/pseuds/smoakoverwatch
Summary: Felicity tries to process what happened to the detective.(Post 5x09 ficlet)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this the night the finale aired when I was fueled by some anger but…. Kind of forgot about it until now but oh well. It fits in my resolution to post more.
> 
> This kind of thing has likely been done before but… It’s fine. 
> 
> Title of the fic (and lines below) are from the Mumford and Sons song of the same name.

_And death is at your doorstep_

_And it will steal your innocence_

_But it will not steal your substance_

 

Felicity doesn’t remember getting home that day.

She actually doesn’t remember anything after Oliver told her.

Because the minute she realized he was _gone, forever_ , everything shifted. Everyone was talking but it was as though she was hearing those words through glass. She was crying. Oliver was crying. But she couldn’t feel anything. John shifted and she briefly felt her heart swell when his arms moved –

To Oliver.

The team shifts together. Felicity thinks she moves towards him too but she isn’t sure.

But she doesn’t say anything.

She escapes the lair with little notice. Oliver eventually moves from where they stood and hunches over on one of the chairs on the other side, talking quietly with John. 

She thinks everyone is just too distracted to notice until Thea grabs her arm on the way out and mutters, “text when you get home please”.

They’re just giving her space. She can’t decide if it’s what she needs or not.

She drives home. She even showers and changes. Her movements feel slow and sluggish, like she’s moving through water. It’s only until she settles on the couch and grabs her tablet out of habit that it hits her.

The first thing she sees is a news alert. And it’s _his face_ looking up at her and the words and it all finally clicks into place.

He’s gone. And she’s alone, sitting in the cold loft looking at the dry police statement, when the reality of it all sets in.

Once she starts, it’s nearly impossible to stop.

The first sob comes out in a strangled cry and it makes Felicity glad she’s alone. When the next sob comes out it’s accompanied by wetness rolling down her cheeks.

And then it's impossible to stop, the sobs wracking through her body and all she can do is hold her head in her hands as she lets the dark cloud take over. 

She hears a faint buzzing behind her, but she can’t pull herself out.

It’s all too much. Her breathing starts to come out erratically until it makes her head spin and she hunches over from her spot on the couch. It’s too much, the pain is _too much._ She feels it hot in her chest, weighing down and _god, it is so hard to breathe._

Felicity’s lived on her own for a good fraction of her life. Being alone has never really bothered her, she grew used to it. But right now, in this moment, where her breathing is dangerously unsteady and a dull whine takes over her ears, she’s scared. She’s _deathly afraid_ of being alone right now but nothing in her can bring herself to do anything about it.

When the numbness sets over she wonders if this is just what she had coming after all.

It’s a thought she’s been avoiding all night, but it creeps up on her before she’s able to stop it.

Maybe, after all this is just her actions catching up to her, that this is her penance for the mistakes she’s made. For redirecting those _goddamn_ missiles to Havenrock and costing an entire town, Rory’s entire family, to die.

Maybe she had this coming for being so dishonest with Billy, and herself. She was never fully _in it_ with him, and she knew it but pushed it down, selfishly keeping him around to try and soothe the dull pain she felt every day.

Maybe Billy was just another casualty in the trail of mistakes she just can’t stop making.

The realization settles into her bones like cement.

She stays like that _crouched over, pathetic, helpless_ for longer than she cares to admit, until she can finally push herself up. She wipes at her cheeks with shaky fingers, and it’s only until she gets up to get a glass of water does she realize her phone has been ringing

When she looks to the buzzing device on her coffee table she flinches at the sight of Oliver’s picture looking up at her. Which, in turn, brings another wave of guilt. It’s not his fault, she knows logically. But the worst part of her that wants to blame herself imposes some of the blame on him.

“Oliver,” her voice is coarse as she answers, no matter how many times she tries to clear her throat.

“Felicity,” on the other line he sounds exhausted, his own voice equally as rough. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to – it’s just – I don’t know what to do –”

“Oliver, slow down,” her eyebrows furrow together, and she’s glad he pauses to take a deep breath.

“I need you to come to the lair. There’s something you need to see.”

She puts the phone down and takes a deep breath. She stumbles to the powder room to wash her face and pauses only to readjust her ponytail before she walks out the door.

The pain will have to wait.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> twitter - smoakoverwatch  
> tumblr - overwatchandarrow


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